With 81 days until graduation and 47 days, until I have to commit to a college, a lot has been on my mind. A Lot. My entire senior year has been reality checks upon reality checks. There's a lot to unpack here, but let's focus on identity.
I have no personality.
This runs through my head like a convoluted mantra constantly. Sometimes there are variations. I have no personality outside of my friends. I have no personality outside of what media I consume. I have no personality outside of what I like aesthetically. It's all there, all the time. I've come to realize that I don't actually know myself and I don't think I will for a long time and I think that's the common reality of my age group at this rate.
I've spent all my life trying to avoid being pretentious to the point that my only personality is neon lights and James Dean movies. Maybe primary colors on a good day. The point is, I've become a shell of whatever I was supposed to be and now that I realize this it's felt like a weight's been off my shoulders.
Maybe this wannabe art student filmmaker creator avant-garde dumbass persona I'm trying to create is a projection of what I thought I should've been or what I genuinely am and I don't know what to do about it but it feels right. I guess I can let the pretentious art flow through me because I'm only depressed and young once and this is the best my art's gonna get, right?
Since getting rejected by so many schools, not being able to create until this year, and being gassed for anything I do, I think some part of me's been freed to some extent and I don't know how to grapple with it. Maybe I'll just make shitty art until I die.